I’m sure many of you are just as sick as I am of being bombarded with the endless stream of articles, reports, and hourly updates on whatever “news” story has sent the media into its latest frenzy. Well, it’s even more frustrating to watch for we starving-author types who would simply like a little modest publicity for our books. Since I’ve wisely given up on some of my more impractical and/or illegal promotional ideas (see previous blog entry “Support Groups Needed”) I decided to take lessons from the experts in the publicity game and play by their rules, so here goes. If these are the things that send the media into orgasmia, then I’m about to really rock their worlds!
1) Don Imus’s racist/sexist remark: This one is easy to top. Here’s one of my favorites—not only do I agree that white men can't jump, I also think they really suck on the balance beam and the uneven bars! Yeah, I said it!
2) The furor over who’s the daddy of Anna Nicole’s baby: Paternity debates are a dime a dozen, but I’ve got a real mystery! I’m not 100% sure I’m the real mother of my oldest daughter! My doctor forgot to set up the mirror during the delivery, so I didn’t actually see her birth. She also doesn’t look anything like me, yet she bears an uncanny resemblance to my three step-daughters. Coincidence? I think not.
3) Nude pictures surfacing of American Idol contestants: Not only have I had nude pictures taken of me, I posed for them willingly! My mother took my picture in my grandmother’s shower when I was two years old, and I was wearing nothing but a shower cap and a big smile. And if the Internet had been around back then, I’m absolutely positive my mama would have posted that picture online everywhere she could. She sure showed it to enough relatives!
4) Steroid use in Major League Baseball: Both my Avon lady and my Mary Kay rep can testify that I regularly purchase every single product available that firms and smoothes the skin and reduces the appearance of cellulite. Yes, that’s what I’m saying. My thighs are chemically enhanced!
5) Britney Spears going without underwear: Big deal! Because I have the most beautiful, model-quality feet in the world, I never wear socks once the temperature goes above 50 degrees. And I also have absolutely no qualms about letting the paparazzi photograph my bare tootsies to their heart’s content!
6) Over-hyped authors who write plagiarized books: I can list for you right now at least three dozen words from my second book that I also used in my first book--multiple times! I even italicized them if I felt like it. And if Mr. Webster gets wind of my books, I'm in BIG trouble!
7) Severe drug addiction: Oh, yes. I most assuredly have this. Just ask the Folgers people if I haven’t e-mailed them with bribes, pleas, threats, and propositions, trying to get them to sell me cases of their Straight Up Café Latte, since they—for some unknown, ungodly reason—decided to stop selling it in Florida and Alabama. Consequently, I periodically must drive to
8) High-profile madams on trial: So I had to give up on the idea of staging my son’s kidnapping by a crazed fan, but I want to state unequivocally now that I will gladly rent him out to any young woman aged 18-24 who gets me a reputable agent or a six-figure book deal for my latest book—either one, I’m not picky. Yep, I’m willing to whore out my firstborn to further my writing career. How much more dedicated could a writer be?
Okay, guys. There's plenty of dirt for you. Let the feeding frenzy begin!
~Stay true to yourself, and your dreams will come true!